Stories right from the mouth of a hillbilly serving time in an ER

So after the stitches were taken out and the go was given to start putting weight on the ankle, the hillbilly (still on crutches) decides to go on a date with his wife.  We saw "Red" a spy movie about what happens to agents with they retire. It is a comedy with a bunch of big names, totally worth going to see and a great one for date night especially if one of you are thinking about retiring soon. Then, pain that had started earlier that day, got out of hand. The wife took the hillbilly back to town, at midnight, to the ER where nothing could be found to cause the pain. Ice, elevate, motrin, call if it gets worse.

Next night. GREAT PAIN!!! Wife takes hillbilly back to the ER. After the triage nurse takes us to a room my dear 'ol hillbilly starts nearly climbing the walls in pain and I begin to think he is about to give birth to something or go insane.  

Hillbilly says to the phlebotomist: "Don't EVER get married, it is just nor worth it dude, it is way way way too expensive! It's okay if you poke me in my arm, no pain is worse than this ankle pain!"

Hillbilly says to the wife: "Christy, no offense to you at all but....."

Hilbilly to the phlebotomist: "I would rather 20 years ago if I had just kept her all this time as my girlfriend..."

Phlebotomist: "I am planning on being single forever sir, even before your advice but thanks."

Me: thinking... I know the phlebotomist has no idea that I birthed 5 children of the hillbilly's naturally, yes that's right and the last one was near 12 pounds, I also tiled an entire new house with a broken arm in a cast alone, babysat the hillbilly while he got his wisdom teeth out screaming in delirium for a milkshake from McDonalds AND nursed him with his dry socket, and let's not forget the time he took ME out in a little raft in the port of Valdez next to the oil tankers at high tide.  The number one scariest event in my life.... I thought I would never see anyone alive again that day, that my children had lost their parents and I would just be killer whale food. Then I say to them "Hmmm, no comment, but he is in a lot of pain."

I am sure my hillbilly husband was not in his right or best mind but I was contemplating divorcing him anyway, just so I can really be his dreamy girlfriend.  Besides my name on facebook already reflects only my maiden name, that's grounds right there, right? It has just occurred to me that I have never properly given him his indian name. Here it goes...Shoots Himself In The Foot.

Another short story during delirium...

After 3 agonizing hours in the ER (with no pain meds but they keep telling us that they are coming right away), we begin to wonder if the staff think that he is faking the blinding pain. They run tests.  The tests show nothing.  Every person that came into contact with us, the doctor, the nurse, the triage nurse the phlebotomist, the medtech, the nurse that gives drugs, the PA assistant to the Ortho doc, and the other lady dressed up as a cat that kept saying "meow", all agreed that this pain was unbearable that the drugs were coming soon. While we waited we heard laughter and talking, almost merrymaking behind the closed door.  It happened to be Halloween weekend you know, a crazy time to be in an ER with all the staff dressed up. As four hours pass, we waited and Shoots Himself In The Foot Began to tell me this story. 

     "I didn't wash my hands for twenty years you know. When I was a boy living off Hogeye Creek in the back woods I trapped furs, I ran hounds after coons, and lived life everyday on that snake infested creekbed. Once, I remember cutting up a stinky old coon.  A few hours later I got the chills and went delirious.  I hallucinated about all kinds of things that weren't true at all.  My whole body radiated pain all over.  I almost died had I not gotten to the doctor in time.  This here is one of them there times, I just might die. I am telling you this is serious. something is really really wrong in a big way and they need to fix it quick!"

     He later had told the doctor that he had only been wearing shoes for only about 20 years, that is less than half of his life......people wouldn't have so many problems with their feet if they went without them more often. 

     The hillbilly cracks me up everyday.  I am sure that we will stay married for life, for better or for ER experiences, and in one week it will be our 22nd year anniversary.  And by the way.....while in the hospital the hillbilly remembered to vote!  Of course it won't be counted for another month....but hey, he is a patriotic hillbilly with an indian name.

boots in places you never thought you'd see them

I am so inspired to shop for boots! Especially after my hunny's experience at the army hospital's ortho-surgical unit. Of course being an Allied Health pre-nursing student I had to ask the doc and everyone I met all kinds of questions not really related to my husband's surgery like, "do you HAVE to wear hospital scrubs or can you wear your own?", I was thinking of my favorite medical drama, Mercy, that was cancelled last year along with all the cute flowery scrubs the nurses wore. Duh! (that is everyday vocabulary borrowed from my ten year old).....Of course everyone in surgery wears the same disinfected scrubs that have been commercially washed according to hospital standards to destroy all germs, pathogens, and microbes. I am really curious now as to exactly what detergent the army hospital actually uses.

The most interesting thing I noticed was when the nurse came into our area, which is everybody else's area too, only separated by dividing curtains.  She asked questions like, "so, do you know what is happening today?", "you understand it is the right ankle?", "what is your name?" etc.  I couldn't keep from noticing her attire: surgical cap, hospital scrubs, and MUD BOOTS! WTH??  Really, REALLY? I was looking sideways at my husband screaming with my eyes and pointing with my glances, do you see that!!!!!  I bet you can imagine what I mean.  It is like when you are trying to talk to someone, about another someone, right in front of the other someone, trying to get the person to look at something certain without them knowing!

 I swear if you are from chicken country you can relate with my next statement.  I pinky SWEAR, the only thing missing on the nurses attire was the hair net or she would have been a chicken plant worker in north west Arkansas. Yes,  I said chicken plant, if you have ever been to one you are now thinking bodily parts and pieces of small fowl that will eventually reach your grocery store.  This is what made my husband and I think about the procedure....is it so deep in bodily parts and pieces that the medical team needs mud boots?

When a person is about to have outpatient surgery performed, about a million people come by to to check things off their list right before they knock you out.  Then, the CRNA or nurse anesthetist, who eventually does the knocking out, came in and guess what?  She ALSO had on mud boots!!!  This just seemed outrageous to me. I got ready to open my mouth to ask more questions as my hunny's head shook and he rested it in his hands, I asked, "Why are you wearing rubber boots because the only thing we could think of was the amount of possible blood in the OR (that is grays anatomy talk for operating room) and do you watch medical dramas because we watch all of them".

Here's the goods:  the doc has never seen a medical drama....EVER. The CRNA watches all the popular shows and swears that the procedure that we saw last night on Gray's Anatomy won't be performed on my husbands fibula.  She informed us that medical dramas aren't real, they are mostly all fantasy. We also found out that the rubber boots are to keep dry from the huge amount of water that is used to irrigate the area being worked on in ortho-surgeries. It keeps the area open and makes surgery easier, she said.

Later the next day, while checking my mail at the post office and throwing away all the spam.....no, whats the word for snail mail spam......oh yah,  JUNK MAIL!  I realize I CANNOT throw away the Cabelas catalog until #1 gives the okay.  So I glance through it, and find the most amazing mud boots, BOGS! Of course they don't carry my size, because my feet are so large. I race back to the house to finds these Bogs online. I decided that I really need these boots too, for one they are also cold weather boots, two- break up season really sneaks up real quick, three- when  visiting family you just never know when there will be a flash flood, AND who knows, one day I may be an ortho-surgical nurse!

I just have to decide if I like Paisley Mids or Fern Mids better.

Note to chicken plant workers:  I have no issues with employment of any sort, really, expecially in this recession, I may be looking for a job soon!