Thursday, November 4, 2010

Stories right from the mouth of a hillbilly serving time in an ER

So after the stitches were taken out and the go was given to start putting weight on the ankle, the hillbilly (still on crutches) decides to go on a date with his wife.  We saw "Red" a spy movie about what happens to agents with they retire. It is a comedy with a bunch of big names, totally worth going to see and a great one for date night especially if one of you are thinking about retiring soon. Then, pain that had started earlier that day, got out of hand. The wife took the hillbilly back to town, at midnight, to the ER where nothing could be found to cause the pain. Ice, elevate, motrin, call if it gets worse.

Next night. GREAT PAIN!!! Wife takes hillbilly back to the ER. After the triage nurse takes us to a room my dear 'ol hillbilly starts nearly climbing the walls in pain and I begin to think he is about to give birth to something or go insane.  

Hillbilly says to the phlebotomist: "Don't EVER get married, it is just nor worth it dude, it is way way way too expensive! It's okay if you poke me in my arm, no pain is worse than this ankle pain!"

Hillbilly says to the wife: "Christy, no offense to you at all but....."

Hilbilly to the phlebotomist: "I would rather 20 years ago if I had just kept her all this time as my girlfriend..."

Phlebotomist: "I am planning on being single forever sir, even before your advice but thanks."

Me: thinking... I know the phlebotomist has no idea that I birthed 5 children of the hillbilly's naturally, yes that's right and the last one was near 12 pounds, I also tiled an entire new house with a broken arm in a cast alone, babysat the hillbilly while he got his wisdom teeth out screaming in delirium for a milkshake from McDonalds AND nursed him with his dry socket, and let's not forget the time he took ME out in a little raft in the port of Valdez next to the oil tankers at high tide.  The number one scariest event in my life.... I thought I would never see anyone alive again that day, that my children had lost their parents and I would just be killer whale food. Then I say to them "Hmmm, no comment, but he is in a lot of pain."

I am sure my hillbilly husband was not in his right or best mind but I was contemplating divorcing him anyway, just so I can really be his dreamy girlfriend.  Besides my name on facebook already reflects only my maiden name, that's grounds right there, right? It has just occurred to me that I have never properly given him his indian name. Here it goes...Shoots Himself In The Foot.

Another short story during delirium...

After 3 agonizing hours in the ER (with no pain meds but they keep telling us that they are coming right away), we begin to wonder if the staff think that he is faking the blinding pain. They run tests.  The tests show nothing.  Every person that came into contact with us, the doctor, the nurse, the triage nurse the phlebotomist, the medtech, the nurse that gives drugs, the PA assistant to the Ortho doc, and the other lady dressed up as a cat that kept saying "meow", all agreed that this pain was unbearable that the drugs were coming soon. While we waited we heard laughter and talking, almost merrymaking behind the closed door.  It happened to be Halloween weekend you know, a crazy time to be in an ER with all the staff dressed up. As four hours pass, we waited and Shoots Himself In The Foot Began to tell me this story. 

     "I didn't wash my hands for twenty years you know. When I was a boy living off Hogeye Creek in the back woods I trapped furs, I ran hounds after coons, and lived life everyday on that snake infested creekbed. Once, I remember cutting up a stinky old coon.  A few hours later I got the chills and went delirious.  I hallucinated about all kinds of things that weren't true at all.  My whole body radiated pain all over.  I almost died had I not gotten to the doctor in time.  This here is one of them there times, I just might die. I am telling you this is serious. something is really really wrong in a big way and they need to fix it quick!"

     He later had told the doctor that he had only been wearing shoes for only about 20 years, that is less than half of his life......people wouldn't have so many problems with their feet if they went without them more often. 

     The hillbilly cracks me up everyday.  I am sure that we will stay married for life, for better or for ER experiences, and in one week it will be our 22nd year anniversary.  And by the way.....while in the hospital the hillbilly remembered to vote!  Of course it won't be counted for another month....but hey, he is a patriotic hillbilly with an indian name.


  1. Wow! Christy! Your blog has, in fact, hit the next level! I added it to my favorites list.

    Love your you, my friend.

    I can't believe you're leaving me! It makes me sad every time I'm forced to hear and now, read about it.

    I signed as anonymous, but you know who I am. Miss you, too.

  2. stop being so anonymous!!! now, I want to read YOUR blog!!!